snow days

Virginia, I miss you.

I think you would have loved the snow.  I tend to assume you would have loved everything.  But I think you would have loved sledding and snow men.  I think you would have loved running in the snow with the pups.  I think you would have laughed, and really loved it.

I wish that was our life.

I wish that experience had not been taken from you.

I have enjoyed the snow of this winter.  But it, like everything, is just not the same without you.

2nd birthday

Today, it is Virginia's 2nd birthday.
I want to be throwing a birthday party, and celebrating her, and watching her laugh.
And that is not what I am doing.

I am sitting in my house, wearing a huge coat, waiting for John to get up so we can find a way to distract ourselves.

But, we will still be celebrating her.
Not in the way I want, but we will be.
Today, there is no other moment that matters.
There is nothing that matters except she is.
She lived, she died, she is.
She is my daughter, she is the love of my life, and she is going to be celebrated today.

I gave birth two years ago to the most beautiful little girl on the planet.
Virginia Jane, and today is for her.
And I don't care who likes it or doesn't.

Today belongs to her.
Every second of it.
Belongs to her.

I was told once that when a young elephant dies the mother will stay with her child.  She will stay without eating and without sleeping, she stays with her baby -- for days.

It has been two years, and I have not left her.  I never will.  And I will never hide her, and I will never keep her a secret.  She is my child, and I am staying with her.

Virginia Jane Phillips today is for you.  And I will spend it with you, and for you.

day three: before

This is the "before" picture I would most like to talk about.

Just look at how happy she is.

This is my favorite pregnancy picture.  It's probably my favorite picture, ever, of me.  I was so ready to meet her.  She was so big!

This is one of those pictures that makes me wonder how there are women who just don't know they're pregnant.  Ohmygoodness I knew it.  And I honestly loved every minute of it, I had such a simple pregnancy.  I only got impatient at the end because I wanted her to come before John left.  That was foolish, I should never have been impatient.  But I did love every second with her.

Today, a man came into our office to fill out an application.  He was falling asleep while filling it out.  He said he was up all night with his 6 week old baby.  But he didn't say it in a cute, "I'm a new dad" way.  He said it in a complaining way.

So sorry man that you have to hear the sound of your child's voice when they need you.  So sorry you were up all night taking care of your baby, so sorry you have to hold them and be with them instead of sleeping.

Ridiculous.

Now, I imagine that having a newborn at home is very difficult and very stressful and you lose a lot of sleep.  But I promise you, there is not a thing I wouldn't give....THERE IS NOT A THING I WOULDN'T GIVE....to be up all night with my screaming child.

He asked me if I had kids, and I ignored him, because I don't say no to that and he is not the person I want to talk about it with.  I suppose he took that to mean yes because when he left he asked if it gets easier.  And there are a million things I wanted to say.  But I was at work.  So I told him yes, and he walked out.

Please be thankful for the good easy times and the hard times with your kids, because you don't know how much time you have.

On a brighter note: WE EXCEEDED OUR FUNDRAISING GOAL!  All thanks to the amazing women I work with and their collective donations.  We are still fundraising until the 18th, please feel free to help us raise more.

day two: heart

I captured a few almost hearts today.

And this heart is a particularly important one.  I have written to Virginia regularly since her death.  This heart is the first time I signed a letter to her like this. 

day one: sunrise

Today is the 1st day of October.

It is also day one of "capture your grief'" which you can find information about here.

I shared a picture on facebook and instagram, but there are more I took, and I'm going to share them here.

day one: sunrise

I love when there is pink in the sky.  I just know her little spirit is a beautiful magenta.  Sunrises and sunsets with pink are my absolute favorite time of day, especially sunsets.

May this October bring a little peace to everyone.  I don't expect it to be an easy month, but I will live it one day at a time. 

oh october.

I am not ready for October.

October is the month she died.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (which is actually amazing)
October holds Halloween, which would have been her first holiday.

I don't want it to come.

One year ago today I was super pregnant, and waiting for her.

I just, am not ready for October.

But, maybe/possibly/probably tomorrow will come.  And October will be here.  I just want to go back to one year ago today and try again.  I want to go to a different hospital.  I want to get it right the 2nd time and make sure she lives.  I want to be scared and excited my little girl is about to turn 1.  I want to say "I can't believe my baby is growing so fast!"  I want another chance.  Not with another child.  With Virginia.

I don't think it's possible I can go back, even if I would give everything to do it.

I'm going to share something Carly Marie wrote, because she's amazing and I should remember to be more gentle with myself and with life.  I really should, I am quite bitter.

Everyday for the next month is all about remembrance of every little girl and every little boy who died before they were born, or died shortly after.

My love to all those children, and all their parents.

Here is Carly's post: October 2014, Let us remember

I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon

"I am standing on the seashore. A ship spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, 'She is gone.' Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at the moment when someone says, 'She is gone', there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad shout, 'Here she comes!'  And that is dying." 
-Henry Scott Holland



I am stunned by how beautiful this is.
I just needed to share it.