control

I am learning, slowly and painfully, but surely, that I am not in control of everything.  That is incredibly difficult for me to grasp and for me to accept.  I love being in control, I love planning, I used to have to have those things.  But I am learning how little I really can control.

I cannot control life or death or sickness or other people and the way they think or act.  I have no control over those things.

What I do have control over is what I think and do.  And really that's pretty much it.

So I am learning to let go of those things I can't control.  To forgive the actions of others, because I can't control what they do so it's pointless to be mad when they don't do what I think they should.  And I certainly don't control life and death.  Although I think forgiving myself will take a lot of time.

I want to move away from anger, and more towards patience.  And I want to keep telling myself that letting go of some anger doesn't mean forgetting my daughter or saying it's okay that she's gone, just that I'm trying to grow and learn.  I love her so much, I could never forget, she's what keeps me going.