one day at a time.

I have been much too overwhelmed the past few days.  Everything has seemed much worse all of a sudden.

I think I have been focusing too much on the big picture.  On the fact that she died, that I'll never hold her again, that I have to keep living each day without her.  A grieving parent can't live like that, thinking about the big picture.  It has to be day to day.  One day at a time.

I have to start really focusing on that again.  On making it through one day.  And nothing else.  Just one day.

And my expectations of others is much too high.  To think anyone will ever care about her as much as I do is just never going to happen.  Besides John of course, because he misses her just as much as I do, but besides John no one knew her the way I did.  No one else was her parent.  No one else is her mother.  So to think that people will care as much as me is setting an impossible goal.  And a huge one, and I can't set those.  I can only set goals I can accomplish in a day.  One single day.  I can do one day.

So I am abolishing my expectations.  I hope that everyone that has heard about Virginia loves her.  I hope they all want her to have a legacy of love.  I certainly do.  Maybe I will have some help with that.  Maybe I won't.  But I can't expect everyone to be as passionate as me.  No one else is her mother.

I know part of the reason too I have been overwhelmed is that I cannot sleep.  For a while I had started to again, but now the sleepless nights are back.  I just can't sleep.  Everything always feels worse when I have barely slept in days.  So tonight, I will give in to taking a sleeping aid.  And I'll start tomorrow with a plan for the day--just that day.


"And you don't realize how good you have it
There are things worse than sleepless nights
with cranky infants

There are sleepless nights alone"

Stephanie Paige Cole
(to linger on hot coals)