I recently started an online course about photography through grieving. Now I am getting started a little late, because I have just been way too busy. But the first assignment so to speak is to write a letter to your child telling them how you got where you are. And to take a few self portraits. So here we go...
Dear Virginia,
I love you.
I think I start every letter I write to you that way, because it's true. So how did I get here?
Well first off, I'll pinpoint "here". It has been 39 weeks and 4 days since the day you were born, and the day you died. I carried you for 39 weeks and 4 days. So really "here" is a very fragile place, where I am on the brink of the day you will have been gone longer than you were here.
I have dreaded that day for a very long time. I can't imagine what it will bring with it. 20 weeks since your death was a very hard day, as was 39 weeks this past Tuesday. So I can't imagine what tomorrow will be like, but I know it won't be easy.
Let's go back to your beginning, the beginning of the only story I have worth telling...yours.
I graduated high school in 2008. I was in love with acting...with theatre. I lived it, breathed it, ate it, drank it, loved it with all my soul. I wanted to act forever. I knew I couldn't have a family or a normal life, because I would never have a steady job, and I did not care in the least. I wanted to act. After I graduated high school I went to a university to study acting. I was there for one semester, and suddenly I knew it wasn't right. I knew I couldn't act professionally, I couldn't give up a normal life and a normal family. I felt like acting wasn't right anymore and I wasn't quite sure why at the time. But I knew there was something more I wanted. I wanted you. I wanted to be a mother. I figured that out a little later, while I was still in school trying to figure out what to study.
I started planning everything around kids. What I could do that would be best for them. And I wasn't married, or planning for kids right away, but it inspired every decision I made...what would be best for my future children.
Becoming a mother became the only goal that mattered, I truly believed, and still do, that I could never achieve anything greater than my children.
In 2012 I married your father. On February 19th 2013 we found out I was pregnant. At about 10:20 in the morning. When I told him, your Daddy couldn't wait to tell everyone. He was kind of freaking out. We were in love with you from that day forward.
I was convinced you were a boy. I just knew it. In May, we found out I was wrong. It was you, the most beautiful little girl that has ever graced this earth with her presence...you. We knew Virginia was the perfect name, after his grandmother. Jane and John have the same meaning, so Jane it was. Virginia Jane. Perfect.
It really has turned out to be just what you should have been named. Jane, "God's gracious gift." You are the best gift I could have ever asked for. The best part of my life, my whole world. And Virginia, well I see that name all the time, and for that I am so thankful. I see a "Virginia" license plate just when I miss you the most. I drive past "Virginia St", I see "V"s in the sky. It could not have been more perfect for you.
I was blessed with carrying you for those 39 weeks and 4 days. Blessed with your life, with watching you grow, with becoming your mother.
Gorgeous child I will never understand why you couldn't stay with us. You would have wanted for nothing, not things, not love, not attention. You are my greatest accomplishment, and the only thing that could ever be as great may be the brothers and sisters that might come after you.
Your journey on earth ended in October, but your journey still continues. You live OH how you live on in all of our hearts, you have changed every part of me, every molecule of my body is different because of you. You will never be forgotten. You will never be pushed aside. You will be spoken of and loved always always always.
You teach me, you inspire me. I love you. I miss you, every second of every day. This is not where your story ends sweet, perfect Virginia Jane. I love you.
So how did I get where I am right now? I got here because of you. Because you lived, and because you died. Because I love you. I am here because I wanted you more than anything, because I still do. Because I grieve for you as deeply as I love you. That is why I am here now, that is how I got here.
Love always,
Mommy
I will be posting the self portraits at the end of the week, after I have taken some and can choose a few to post. If you have read this, or any part of this blog, thank you. It is so so helpful to healing.
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