2nd birthday

Today, it is Virginia's 2nd birthday.
I want to be throwing a birthday party, and celebrating her, and watching her laugh.
And that is not what I am doing.

I am sitting in my house, wearing a huge coat, waiting for John to get up so we can find a way to distract ourselves.

But, we will still be celebrating her.
Not in the way I want, but we will be.
Today, there is no other moment that matters.
There is nothing that matters except she is.
She lived, she died, she is.
She is my daughter, she is the love of my life, and she is going to be celebrated today.

I gave birth two years ago to the most beautiful little girl on the planet.
Virginia Jane, and today is for her.
And I don't care who likes it or doesn't.

Today belongs to her.
Every second of it.
Belongs to her.

I was told once that when a young elephant dies the mother will stay with her child.  She will stay without eating and without sleeping, she stays with her baby -- for days.

It has been two years, and I have not left her.  I never will.  And I will never hide her, and I will never keep her a secret.  She is my child, and I am staying with her.

Virginia Jane Phillips today is for you.  And I will spend it with you, and for you.

day three: before

This is the "before" picture I would most like to talk about.

Just look at how happy she is.

This is my favorite pregnancy picture.  It's probably my favorite picture, ever, of me.  I was so ready to meet her.  She was so big!

This is one of those pictures that makes me wonder how there are women who just don't know they're pregnant.  Ohmygoodness I knew it.  And I honestly loved every minute of it, I had such a simple pregnancy.  I only got impatient at the end because I wanted her to come before John left.  That was foolish, I should never have been impatient.  But I did love every second with her.

Today, a man came into our office to fill out an application.  He was falling asleep while filling it out.  He said he was up all night with his 6 week old baby.  But he didn't say it in a cute, "I'm a new dad" way.  He said it in a complaining way.

So sorry man that you have to hear the sound of your child's voice when they need you.  So sorry you were up all night taking care of your baby, so sorry you have to hold them and be with them instead of sleeping.

Ridiculous.

Now, I imagine that having a newborn at home is very difficult and very stressful and you lose a lot of sleep.  But I promise you, there is not a thing I wouldn't give....THERE IS NOT A THING I WOULDN'T GIVE....to be up all night with my screaming child.

He asked me if I had kids, and I ignored him, because I don't say no to that and he is not the person I want to talk about it with.  I suppose he took that to mean yes because when he left he asked if it gets easier.  And there are a million things I wanted to say.  But I was at work.  So I told him yes, and he walked out.

Please be thankful for the good easy times and the hard times with your kids, because you don't know how much time you have.

On a brighter note: WE EXCEEDED OUR FUNDRAISING GOAL!  All thanks to the amazing women I work with and their collective donations.  We are still fundraising until the 18th, please feel free to help us raise more.

day two: heart

I captured a few almost hearts today.

And this heart is a particularly important one.  I have written to Virginia regularly since her death.  This heart is the first time I signed a letter to her like this. 

day one: sunrise

Today is the 1st day of October.

It is also day one of "capture your grief'" which you can find information about here.

I shared a picture on facebook and instagram, but there are more I took, and I'm going to share them here.

day one: sunrise

I love when there is pink in the sky.  I just know her little spirit is a beautiful magenta.  Sunrises and sunsets with pink are my absolute favorite time of day, especially sunsets.

May this October bring a little peace to everyone.  I don't expect it to be an easy month, but I will live it one day at a time. 

oh october.

I am not ready for October.

October is the month she died.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (which is actually amazing)
October holds Halloween, which would have been her first holiday.

I don't want it to come.

One year ago today I was super pregnant, and waiting for her.

I just, am not ready for October.

But, maybe/possibly/probably tomorrow will come.  And October will be here.  I just want to go back to one year ago today and try again.  I want to go to a different hospital.  I want to get it right the 2nd time and make sure she lives.  I want to be scared and excited my little girl is about to turn 1.  I want to say "I can't believe my baby is growing so fast!"  I want another chance.  Not with another child.  With Virginia.

I don't think it's possible I can go back, even if I would give everything to do it.

I'm going to share something Carly Marie wrote, because she's amazing and I should remember to be more gentle with myself and with life.  I really should, I am quite bitter.

Everyday for the next month is all about remembrance of every little girl and every little boy who died before they were born, or died shortly after.

My love to all those children, and all their parents.

Here is Carly's post: October 2014, Let us remember

I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon

"I am standing on the seashore. A ship spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says, 'She is gone.' Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at the moment when someone says, 'She is gone', there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad shout, 'Here she comes!'  And that is dying." 
-Henry Scott Holland



I am stunned by how beautiful this is.
I just needed to share it.

for a first birthday.

This month, it is 11 months since her death.  And 11 months since her birth.

Next month, the 22nd will be her first birthday.

And it will not be the first birthday most parents plan.

So what will we do?  It cannot go unnoticed, it is too important a day.  Because yes, it is the day we were changed forever by her death.  But regardless it is her birthday, and a birthday is about celebrating life.

So, what will we do?

On that day, I really don't know.  Probably hike, as we did on Mother's Day.  Get out and remember the world is bigger than just us, and be distracted for a while.

We SHOULD be planning a party.  We should be choosing a theme and what decorations we need and who will bake the cake cause God knows I can't decorate one well enough.  We should be buying her more presents than she could ever play with.  We should be readying the camera to capture that beautiful face, one year old.

What would the theme be?  It's hard to even imagine.  I have no idea what color she would like.  What cartoon would be her favorite.  What she would want.  I should know, she should be here.  But I don't know.

So what is there to celebrate her life besides a party?

Before she died, I didn't think much about stillbirth.  I didn't think ever about stillbirth.  I knew nothing about it.  I knew nothing about statistics of infant mortality.  I knew nothing about how many children don't make it to their first birthday.

I do now.

Because of her life.  Because of her, I feel for every Mother and Father who face a birthday without their babies.

Before her, I never would have thought of those Mothers and Fathers, and all those children.  But I do now.  Everyday.  I read about them e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.

And I wish there were no more to read about.  I wish there were no more children who don't reach a first birthday.

If I could start a nonprofit for ANYTHING, it would be stillbirth research.  We know how she died, we know what caused it, we know who caused it.  But in over half of stillbirth's, they don't.  So again, if I could start a nonprofit for ANYTHING, it would be stillbirth research.

I'm not exactly in a place where I can start a nonprofit, and I have no idea how I would get research done, but hopefully somehow some way I can start one.  But whether I do or don't in the future, I don't have one now.

And so, in thinking of all the things my daughter has taught me, and those things are many, I had to think of what the best way to celebrate her life would be.

Support Research.  That's the one.  Support research, so that one more child might live because of HER.

Here's the thing: it is very hard to find research being done.  Not to suggest there is none, because that isn't true, but there is very, very little.  I searched and searched and planned and thought about where to donate in her memory for her birthday.

Because I don't get to plan a party, but her life is still important.

I chose March of Dimes.  I chose it because they fund research, education, and help for babies born prematurely.  I chose them also because they have a walk as a way to fund raise, and I thought it would be something I could get out and do close to her birthday.

I can't buy her presents, and neither can you.  But would you, if she were alive?  If her first birthday party were coming up, would you be coming?

Here is something you should understand, if you know me at all.  Her life is just as important as it would have been if she was having a party.  I can't give her toys, but I can give her a legacy.

I am proud of the money raised for our fundraiser so far, I truly am.  I really thought I could do better, but some money raised is better than no money raised.  I just need to know I have tried to explain what it is for.  I don't expect that I can change the world, but I do believe I can change something.  I do believe that every person that loves her can add to the memory she leaves and the change she makes without even being here.

I hope, that even if you don't make a donation, you understand the point.  You understand it is for her.  Because I love her.

Maybe someday I will have a nonprofit, and something great will come of it.  But I am starting small.  Doing small things with great love.

For every person who has made a donation, thank you so so much.  It honestly means more to me than you know.  And it is not about the amount, it is about the fact that you thought of her.  Thank you, so much.

If you would like to donate, go here to support our team.

Whether you do or do not choose to make a donation, please think of her on October 22nd.  And remember that you never know what kind of battle those around you are fighting.  Spread a little kindness, if you can.