for a first birthday.

This month, it is 11 months since her death.  And 11 months since her birth.

Next month, the 22nd will be her first birthday.

And it will not be the first birthday most parents plan.

So what will we do?  It cannot go unnoticed, it is too important a day.  Because yes, it is the day we were changed forever by her death.  But regardless it is her birthday, and a birthday is about celebrating life.

So, what will we do?

On that day, I really don't know.  Probably hike, as we did on Mother's Day.  Get out and remember the world is bigger than just us, and be distracted for a while.

We SHOULD be planning a party.  We should be choosing a theme and what decorations we need and who will bake the cake cause God knows I can't decorate one well enough.  We should be buying her more presents than she could ever play with.  We should be readying the camera to capture that beautiful face, one year old.

What would the theme be?  It's hard to even imagine.  I have no idea what color she would like.  What cartoon would be her favorite.  What she would want.  I should know, she should be here.  But I don't know.

So what is there to celebrate her life besides a party?

Before she died, I didn't think much about stillbirth.  I didn't think ever about stillbirth.  I knew nothing about it.  I knew nothing about statistics of infant mortality.  I knew nothing about how many children don't make it to their first birthday.

I do now.

Because of her life.  Because of her, I feel for every Mother and Father who face a birthday without their babies.

Before her, I never would have thought of those Mothers and Fathers, and all those children.  But I do now.  Everyday.  I read about them e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.

And I wish there were no more to read about.  I wish there were no more children who don't reach a first birthday.

If I could start a nonprofit for ANYTHING, it would be stillbirth research.  We know how she died, we know what caused it, we know who caused it.  But in over half of stillbirth's, they don't.  So again, if I could start a nonprofit for ANYTHING, it would be stillbirth research.

I'm not exactly in a place where I can start a nonprofit, and I have no idea how I would get research done, but hopefully somehow some way I can start one.  But whether I do or don't in the future, I don't have one now.

And so, in thinking of all the things my daughter has taught me, and those things are many, I had to think of what the best way to celebrate her life would be.

Support Research.  That's the one.  Support research, so that one more child might live because of HER.

Here's the thing: it is very hard to find research being done.  Not to suggest there is none, because that isn't true, but there is very, very little.  I searched and searched and planned and thought about where to donate in her memory for her birthday.

Because I don't get to plan a party, but her life is still important.

I chose March of Dimes.  I chose it because they fund research, education, and help for babies born prematurely.  I chose them also because they have a walk as a way to fund raise, and I thought it would be something I could get out and do close to her birthday.

I can't buy her presents, and neither can you.  But would you, if she were alive?  If her first birthday party were coming up, would you be coming?

Here is something you should understand, if you know me at all.  Her life is just as important as it would have been if she was having a party.  I can't give her toys, but I can give her a legacy.

I am proud of the money raised for our fundraiser so far, I truly am.  I really thought I could do better, but some money raised is better than no money raised.  I just need to know I have tried to explain what it is for.  I don't expect that I can change the world, but I do believe I can change something.  I do believe that every person that loves her can add to the memory she leaves and the change she makes without even being here.

I hope, that even if you don't make a donation, you understand the point.  You understand it is for her.  Because I love her.

Maybe someday I will have a nonprofit, and something great will come of it.  But I am starting small.  Doing small things with great love.

For every person who has made a donation, thank you so so much.  It honestly means more to me than you know.  And it is not about the amount, it is about the fact that you thought of her.  Thank you, so much.

If you would like to donate, go here to support our team.

Whether you do or do not choose to make a donation, please think of her on October 22nd.  And remember that you never know what kind of battle those around you are fighting.  Spread a little kindness, if you can.