prayer

The past few days have been very, very hard.  The only explanation I have is that on Friday I had to speak with someone and go step by step through each part of while I was in labor with Virginia.  I had to think of a lot of things I haven't thought about in a while.  It affected me a lot more than I thought it would.

So the past few days have been really rough.  I miss her, and I have no idea why this happened.  Why her?

I wrote a few weeks ago about a photography course for healing I started to do.  I did start it, I did take the first pictures, and then I got too busy to continue.  I have been trying to make time for it, but I haven't had a chance to really focus on it.

I haven't been very focused on healing in a while, and that's probably why lately has been so tough.

However, a few days ago I found a quote that I love so so much.  It's from Mother Theresa.

"I used to pray that God would feel the hungry, or do this or that, but now I pray that he will guide me to do whatever I'm supposed to do, what I can do.  I used to pray for answers, but now I'm praying for strength.  I used to believe that prayer changes things, but now I know that prayer changes us and we change things."

I love this.

I don't believe by any means or in any way that praying for something to happen will make it happen.  I do not cannot will not believe that.  How can that be true?  How can you say there is a plan, but then your praying has an effect?  How can you say that to someone who has known tragedy?

When you pray for something to happen, and it happens, you praise God.  What about when it doesn't.  What if you are the mother of a child who was sick, and you watched them be sick and you prayed for their health, but they died?  What do you say to that mother?  Where is the praise for God when he takes a child?  Where is the praise when you don't get what you ask for?

Don't pray to change things you CANNOT control.  Pray to change what things you can.  Pray to change yourself.  That is the only thing prayers are going to do.  They are not going to change who lives and who dies, they are going to live or die no matter which way you want it, because you have no control over it.  Pray for strength, love, patience, compassion, guidance.  Those things you can get.  You don't get the power to change anything but yourself.

I should pray more.  If I wasn't so mad at God, or whatever runs the universe, I probably would.  But in the moments before I was put to sleep I begged God for the life of my child.  And when I woke up she was dead.

I do not cannot will not believe that you can change outside circumstances by praying more or less.  You can only change yourself.

Honestly more prayer and meditation would probably help my healing more than I can imagine.  But like I said I am angry.  I am very angry.  I will get there.  I will get to where I can pray.  I will get to a place of peace.  I have hope for that.

But I still hold to that advice.  You cannot control anything or anyone but you.  God is not going to help you control anything or anyone but you.  Pray to change internally, not externally.