discouraged

Here's the thing, my heart is still broken.  

I'm not sure if people expect that life can go back to normal.  But it can't.  There is no normal anymore, and I am just a very broken version that maybe somewhat resembles the person I used to be.

I hear things like I'm "handling things well" a lot.  I don't know why because it's not accurate, but I suppose it's good that it seems like I'm keeping it together.  In reality I'm a complete and total mess and I just want to scream all day and I honest to God don't care about a single thing that isn't my daughter.  Not. A. Single. Thing.

I also don't think about anything else.  Ever.  I miss her literally every second.  I replay the day she was born and died over and over and over and over again all day.  I think about what I should be doing right now.  I am back at work, which is completely bittersweet.  Because yes it is healthier that I'm there because being alone all day dwelling isn't healthy so being there all day (still dwelling, but being around people and having to at least focus a tiny bit on what I'm doing) I suppose is a lot healthier.  But the truth is that what I should be doing is spending all day with my gorgeous daughter being the stay at home mom I planned on being while John was deployed.  So being back at work is good, but is bad too because this is not the way it was supposed to happen.

And oh my God if one more person tells me I can just "have more kids" my brain will explode because I know people mean well but you can't replace a child like you can an ice cream cone.  I can have 27 more kids it won't change the fact that my daughter is dead.  And right now I don't want any other kid but her so even if we do have more it will be oh so many years from now before we are ready for that.  

I am incredibly discouraged.  I am still really in shock that the world keeps turning without her.  How can everything just keep going, how does life go on, how does the sun even rise without her precious soul on this earth?  I just can't believe I keep waking up everyday and it keeps being my reality that she is gone.  And living without her is truly horrible.  I mean honestly, really awful.

I am shocked that things keep moving on around me.  That while babies die people take pictures of their dinner and post them on facebook like that is just the most important thing anyone could talk about.  And it SHOULD be the most important thing anyone could talk about, that should be the way the world is.  Those pictures of simple things need to be posted because life should be that simple.  But it just isn't always and I can't bring myself to care about simple things.

I am discouraged that the world hasn't stopped yet, and I think I just need a serious break from the internet, from everything, until I can appreciate simple things again.  Until I can appreciate anything again.

So I will take a break.  And I will focus on healing.  Cause I can't do anything positive for her if I can never see the light.  And there will come a day when there will be something simple I'll care about.  And a day when I'll feel okay about being okay again.  

"I sit motionless, draw inside, 

duck my head

while the world goes hurtling past.

While all the objects of my universe orbit-

sickening circles-

while everything else keeps going.

I thought it was you who had stopped, but I have."

from "Still." by Anne Morris (found in to linger on hot coals)