when someone you know has a loss

Today I want to write about my opinion of what you should say or do when someone you know experiences a loss similar to the one I have gone through.

- Tell them that you will be there.  That you will listen when they need to talk about it. You might not understand what they’re going through, that doesn’t matter, because you don’t need to say anything.  You just need to listen.  Let them talk about it.

-Encourage them in fact, to talk about it with someone.  If they don’t want to talk about it with you, don’t pressure them to.  But there are many ways to connect with other bereaved parents.  There are online forums and places to read things written by others who know exactly what they are going through.  Tell them to find those things, talk to those people, or to someone.  It can be so easy to feel so alone.  My personal favorites are the MISS Foundation and Still Standing Magazine, where they can find support for infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, and child loss.

-Don’t say stupid things.  Don’t say they can "just have more kids".  Don’t say "everything happens for a reason".  For the love of God do not say “it just wasn’t the right time”.  Those things hurt.  They hurt.  They do not help.  THEY HURT.  Just say you will be there when they want to talk.  No generic expressions will help.  No “at least” sentences will help (at least it was an early loss, at least it was just the baby and not you too, none of that, don’t say that).  They only hurt.

-If you feel they are blaming themselves, assure them they didn’t do anything wrong.  Chances are they won’t listen, I still believe I am 100% responsible for what happened to Virginia.  Logically I know it was not my fault and I had no control…logically.  But it is still important to say it if they are blaming themselves.  If they have experienced such an awful loss they will feel like it is their fault…IT IS NOT.  Assure them they didn’t do anything wrong, that it was beyond their control and not their fault.  Personally I wouldn’t talk about putting blame on anyone, even doctors.  Because if someone says to me “the doctor should have done this differently” all I think is that it’s my fault because I should have gone to a different doctor.  All the "what ifs" are going to go through their head anyway, you don't need to put more there.  Some things we just cannot control, even though it is so hard to think about that.  

-Do not put a time limit on grieving.  There is no time limit.  Let them feel how they feel.

-Do not compare their loss to anything other than child loss.  Don't say it's like when your dog died.  I love my dogs like family, but someone losing a baby is not the same as losing anyone or anything else in any way.  It is child loss.  

-Remember their child.  This is most important to me.  Remember her, she is my beautiful daughter no matter how long she was on this earth.

I am not an expert on grieving in any way, I have only been on this journey for 6 months.  This is based solely on my personal experiences.  The most basic advice I have is just that if you don’t know what to say, just listen.