my daughter is amazing, and so are her pictures.

A couple of days ago, I had someone tell me that pictures of my beautiful daughter "bothered" them.

That is not only incredibly offensive to me, it is disrespectful to my daughter.  And that with me is crossing a line you can't cross back over.

This, thankfully, is the only occasion anyone has said anything like that to me.  Everyone else who has seen her has talked only about how beautiful she is.

But I feel the need to write a little about it, because this is the way I see this situation.

There are two ways to look at the pictures of sweet, perfect Virginia.  There is the way this person obviously does: to see her death.  They look at her, and see only that she has died and absolutely nothing else.  And yes, that can be painful because her death is incredibly tragic.  But her life is not.

Which is what brings me to my view, the view I feel most have had when looking at her.  When I look at her pictures I see her, not death, not just a baby who no longer lives, I see my daughter.  And dear Lord she was so gorgeous. I see that.  I see how absolutely perfect she is, and that John and I created something that incredible.  I see how much I love her.  I see how much she inspires me to be more compassionate and to be better, how much she's taught me, how amazing she is.  I see how unbelievably grateful I am that I had her, that I am her mother, and that she is a part of my life.  I see how thankful I am to have pictures, because I carried her long enough to be able to hold her and have those pictures, and they are absolutely the most precious possession I have.  I see her, just her, and her life.

So you can focus on her life and how wonderful she is.  Or you can focus on her death, which just seems like a messed up way to think about her.  I hate that there are people who could think she should be hidden and shouldn't be seen or that she is just a negative or unfortunate thing that happened.  Her death is.  She is not.  She is the best damn thing that has ever happened to me, and I keep pictures of her e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e. and always, always will.

seven months.

I miss writing a lot, I haven't been doing it as much lately.  But I should try to keep up with it.


It is so surreal to have moved out of that house.  I spent so much time there, planning out our life with Virginia, and then the early weeks and months of grieving her death.  I cannot believe I won't be going back there.  I miss it. 


It has been a good thing to be closer to family.  And here so far I have been much busier.  But I miss having time to really grieve.  It's like the past week it has just built up and is now releasing.  It still hurts so much.


I don't even have as much time lately to read things from other bereaved parents.  I cannot explain how much it has helped to read those things the last few months.  It is 7 months now.  Seven months in just a few minutes.  As soon as it hits the 22nd.  I can't believe it has been that long since she was born.  I really can't. 


I love her so much though.  Once everything settles here hopefully I can focus on the fundraiser.  And writing more. 


The pain just does not ever lesson or go away.  You just get better at facing it.

after the flight.

I haven't written anything in a while, I have been so busy lately.  I moved back across the country, hopefully for good or at least for a while.  I've been busy visiting everyone and getting settled.

Being back around family has been pretty great.  For the most part no one shies away from talking about Virginia, and that is amazing to me.  The past few days I have felt more love than pain.  I just love her so much it's ridiculous.  She is so so beautiful, and absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I haven't been able to really get started fundraising like I wanted to though, some of our plans just haven't really happened, but we still have quite a bit of time before her birthday, so I think we'll get a lot raised before the walk.

I have been feeling okay the past few days, and that feeling never lasts, but I'm living in it as long as I can.

new normal, and starting something great.

I feel like I have put a lot of energy into trying to make everyone understand how I feel.  And that is an impossible task.  No one is going to understand, unless they have also lost a child, and even then each person and each loss is different.

So it is not possible that anyone is going to understand what losing Virginia has felt like for me.  

A lot of people in the bereavement community refer to having to find a "new normal."  There is nothing about me or my life that is the same now as it was before she died.  Not a single thing.  I don't think, speak, act, live, love, walk, react, feel, anything, I don't do anything the same way.  I am different, I am changed, completely.  My entire life is brand new.  I am finding a new normal.  

So I have to stop believing I can just slowly assimilate back into the culture of the non-bereaved.  I am never going back to non-bereaved.  I have lost her, and I can't go back.  So I have to go on, finding my own way to keep living without her, and doing things that other people may not understand, but I have to do what I have to do.

I tried to erase my facebook timeline today, just to get rid of it.  But I'd have to go one by one through years of posts to hide them all, and I don't have the patience for that.  So I deleted some pictures, hid a few things, made some adjustments.  But I believe I'll be using this and the facebook page for her more than my personal one.

I am going to share the link to the fundraiser today though.  I'll put it in this post too.  And I am really looking forward to starting it.  I don't know where it will go, which of our ideas will happen, how much we'll raise, and none of that really matters I guess.  What matters is that we are doing something to celebrate her life, to show that she can still have an impact, even if she isn't here.

The way I see it, if she were here, and we were planning her first birthday party (and I wish more than anything that is what we were doing) but if we were her entire family and all our friends would want to be there.  Well, we don't get to throw her a first birthday party, that is not our journey.  This is how I have chosen to celebrate for her.  Because that beautiful child is no less important because she isn't here.  She deserves no less love, and no less recognition just because she left us so soon.  She deserves the biggest damn celebration we can give her.  And I'll do as much as I can to make it happen.  It won't be a party, but we will help other babies, other families, other people, and we will do it for her, because of her, because we are inspired by her and because she is amazing.

If you would like to contribute to our team, here is the link:

the March of Dimes fundraiser for Team Virginia Jane

my lovely new shirt.

"be the change you hope to see in the world."

I bought a shirt from a fundraiser for 'now I lay me down to sleep'.  They are amazing because they take pictures of stillborn babies for their families.  I got the shirt in the mail yesterday, and that's what it says on it.  "be the change you hope to see in the world"

I want the way people see stillbirth to change.  I want it to stop being taboo.  I want people to start giving a shit that 26,000 babies in the US die that way a year, and literally millions more around the world every year.  I want there to be more research done, I want women to be more educated about it during pregnancy, and I certainly want doctor's to stop this from happening.

We are finding out more and more about what the doctors and nurses did wrong, and why Virginia died.  Realizing it could definitely have been prevented breaks my heart.  And makes me so so angry.  They should have known better.

So, I want research done.  I want that change.  I will advocate for that until the day I die.  I will educate every one I can.  I will be the change.

international bereaved mothers day.

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day.

It's a movement created by Carly Marie, who lives in Australia and does a lot of work to help baby loss families and honor their babies.  On the website (here), she says that it is a temporary movement, in hopes that people might start to recognize bereaved mothers on Mother's Day.  Instead of recognizing any mothers on Mother's Day it's really just become about buying stuff.  But I guess every holiday has these days, even Thanksgiving since Black Friday has taken over.

Anyway, it is International Bereaved Mother's Day, and I believe this is the second year this day has been recognized as that, it is the Sunday before Mother's Day each year.  And while I'm not really celebrating it, I felt like writing about it a little.

I am really scared of Mother's Day.  It is awful to think that no one will recognize that John and I still have a daughter.  Yes Mother's Day and Father's Day are days that for us are not for being with her and being happy, but days of missing her, just like every other day.  But all mothers and fathers should be recognized on those days, all of them.  So I see the beauty of declaring an International Bereaved Mother's Day and Father's Day, so that people can see that even if a child is missing they still have moms and dads.  I still have a daughter and she still has a mother.

I have become even more grateful the past few days that I carried her as long as I did.  I got to feel her move, watch her grow, learn about her.  I got to birth her, hold her, have pictures of her.  Thank God I did.  What if I hadn't, what if I wasn't her mother?  I have been through a lot of pain because of her death, but that pain comes from love and I would NEVER wish to take away that love, or that she is a part of my life now.  Thank God I had her for as long as I did, I am so grateful for the time I was given.  I am so thankful for her, for having my beautiful Daughter, for getting the honor of being her Mother.