new normal, and starting something great.

I feel like I have put a lot of energy into trying to make everyone understand how I feel.  And that is an impossible task.  No one is going to understand, unless they have also lost a child, and even then each person and each loss is different.

So it is not possible that anyone is going to understand what losing Virginia has felt like for me.  

A lot of people in the bereavement community refer to having to find a "new normal."  There is nothing about me or my life that is the same now as it was before she died.  Not a single thing.  I don't think, speak, act, live, love, walk, react, feel, anything, I don't do anything the same way.  I am different, I am changed, completely.  My entire life is brand new.  I am finding a new normal.  

So I have to stop believing I can just slowly assimilate back into the culture of the non-bereaved.  I am never going back to non-bereaved.  I have lost her, and I can't go back.  So I have to go on, finding my own way to keep living without her, and doing things that other people may not understand, but I have to do what I have to do.

I tried to erase my facebook timeline today, just to get rid of it.  But I'd have to go one by one through years of posts to hide them all, and I don't have the patience for that.  So I deleted some pictures, hid a few things, made some adjustments.  But I believe I'll be using this and the facebook page for her more than my personal one.

I am going to share the link to the fundraiser today though.  I'll put it in this post too.  And I am really looking forward to starting it.  I don't know where it will go, which of our ideas will happen, how much we'll raise, and none of that really matters I guess.  What matters is that we are doing something to celebrate her life, to show that she can still have an impact, even if she isn't here.

The way I see it, if she were here, and we were planning her first birthday party (and I wish more than anything that is what we were doing) but if we were her entire family and all our friends would want to be there.  Well, we don't get to throw her a first birthday party, that is not our journey.  This is how I have chosen to celebrate for her.  Because that beautiful child is no less important because she isn't here.  She deserves no less love, and no less recognition just because she left us so soon.  She deserves the biggest damn celebration we can give her.  And I'll do as much as I can to make it happen.  It won't be a party, but we will help other babies, other families, other people, and we will do it for her, because of her, because we are inspired by her and because she is amazing.

If you would like to contribute to our team, here is the link:

the March of Dimes fundraiser for Team Virginia Jane